Tom Swifties – A Collection



My friend and fellow juggler, Chris Taibbi, has been writing Tom Swifties and sharing them on Facebook for the past few weeks. He’s come up with some good ones, and the joke forumla has been in my head since he started.

If you’re not familiar, a “Tom Swifty” is a kind of play on words where an adverb “…relates both properly and punningly to a sentence of reported speech.” (Source.)  This example might explain it best:

“The doctor had to remove my left ventricle,” said Tom, half-heartedly.”

In Chris’ honor, here are a few original Tom Swifties – written in a marathon session with Alison Dreyfuss.


“Have you any creased slacks?” “No, just flatfronts,” said the store owner, depleted.

“I believe that I have swallowed my reading glasses,” Tom introspected.

“No!  It’s only called magma when it’s underground!” Tom erupted.

“You jerk!  You lost my car!” Tom derided.

“I reckon them Asia-bears might eat them some fried rice.  Yer so right.” Tom pandered.

“A place for every pickle and every pickle in its place?!” Tom said, jarringly.

“Oh Christmas tree… Oh Christmas tree!  You’re the best!” Tom opined.

“Black mold in the house?  Well… maybe… just in the very top floor…” said Tom, sporadically.

Oh, and I bet that man in the top-hat spends a lot of time in the sun, too.” said Tom, tangentially.

“Aha!  That mime isn’t actually walking uphill at all!” said Tom, climatically.

“You thought that was a good movie?! I’d give it 80%… on a good day!” Tom berated.

“Do you like my new sweater?  It’s made entirely out of the finest nitrogen!” said Tom, putting on airs.

“Oh no!  This floor is too slippery!  I can’t get any traction at all,” the Kitten mewed.

“No, you prefer living in the astral plane,” Tom projected.

“I believe that is a baby octopus,” said Tom, with an inkling.

“That cloud?  Yes, it does look like a lamb,” said Tom, sheepishly.

“A right angle?  What’s that again? 120-degrees?” said Tom, obtusely.

“Why yes, I would love to eat some pickled peppers!” said Tom, peckishly.

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